Is this what is sexy?
I’ve noticed that I’ve been eating more sweets and junk food. I never use to eat this many everyday but I can’t help it. I think it’s cuz i’m depressed. All I do is work now and I’m just tired. I just want to lay in bed all day everyday. My boyfriend told me he has built a wall against me, allowing our relationship to drift. We barely do anything nice for each other anymore, and I just wish things were different. Sometimes, it feels like I have nobody to actually talk to and listen. Sometimes it just feels i’m all by myself.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want love that’s breath taking, a love that can melt my insides. I want to make out all night and not worry or think so much. I want to get butterflies whenever I see them and know they’re the only one I’m looking at. I want my heart to beat fast and slow at the same time. I want to fall head over heels in love with someone. I want to dream and think about them all night. I use to do this, I use to remember this feeling, but now I’m not so sure. & that what scares me.
I’m so tired of life. I hate that I always feel alone, I feel like I’m never good enough for myself. My mind is so corrupted; I can’t enjoy life like others can. I hate staying at home all the time; I feel like I’m locked in a prison that I can’t get away from. My father is an alcoholic, my mom is a gambler. I really do have a dysfunctional family. I hate that I’m not pretty enough for enough, I don’t feel sexy or beautiful anymore. I feel so tired and worthless. I have no friends, just a boyfriend, but for some reason, it isn’t enough. Nothing is ever good enough, my expectations for my world and I are too high. I hate being in my stupid bubble, I so damn shy. I don’t go to party like the rest of the people, I don’t get to club, or drink, or stay out late. I have work, then school, then work, then school. I’m so tired. I hate living where I live at. I wish I could just disappear. I am never good enough for myself or others. I hate that my only friend is my boyfriend. I am so lonely.
I know what it’s like to be alone. I know what it’s life when you have no one to turn to. I know what it’s like to have nothing in your life. I know what it’s like to be unloved and unappreciated. Everything is falling and I don’t know if I’ll ever catch it again. I feel like I can’t breathe. Someone, anyone please help me. I need to be loved.
I’m just so sad. I have no friends. Life has changed so much. I don’t have anyone to talk to except my boyfriend. I just wanna die and sleep forever. Everything is happening so fast, sometimes I think life would be better without me. I was a mistake and nobody cares about me. Please god, just let me be at peace.
I know nobody will ever see these posts but I can’t help but feel so lonely. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough, I actually feel like I’m never good enough. I hate my family. My mother is always asking me for money, and my dad always drink. My sister has a family of her own, they’re always so proud of her and I live with my nephew, so everyone babies him. I don’t feel appreciated, sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend thinks I’m so special. I’m nothing. My work plays favorites, and I feel like they I’m not good enough for them. I couldn’t get that job on my own, without my boyfriend, but I feel like I didn’t achieve it on my own. I’m not that pretty enough, I’m not skinny enough. I’m lonely, my friends don’t want to hang out with me anymore. I can’t drive, I want a place of my own. Sometimes I don’t know why God wanted me to be alive rather than my brother. He was suppose to be alive, he was suppose to be here, not me. I was a mistake. My parents wanted to have me, they wanted a boy so bad. I try so hard, so people can see something in me, but I’m nothing.
He isn’t perfect, and neither is I. He’s my best friend, and I am so lucky to have him in my life. He puts up with my paranoia, abstinence, addictions, and madness. At the end of the day, he could look me in the eye and tell me I’m still the most beautiful girl in the world.