beautyismad

I’ve noticed that I’ve been eating more sweets and junk food. I never use to eat this many everyday but I can’t help it. I think it’s cuz i’m depressed. All I do is work now and I’m just tired. I just want to lay in bed all day everyday. My boyfriend told me he has built a wall against me, allowing our relationship to drift. We barely do anything nice for each other anymore, and I just wish things were different. Sometimes, it feels like I have nobody to actually talk to and listen. Sometimes it just feels i’m all by myself.

&.

I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want love that’s breath taking, a love that can melt my insides. I want to make out all night and not worry or think so much. I want to get butterflies whenever I see them and know they’re the only one I’m looking at. I want my heart to beat fast and slow at the same time. I want to fall head over heels in love with someone. I want to dream and think about them all night. I use to do this, I use to remember this feeling, but now I’m not so sure. & that what scares me.

Tired. Simple.

I’m so tired of life. I hate that I always feel alone, I feel like I’m never good enough for myself. My mind is so corrupted; I can’t enjoy life like others can. I hate staying at home all the time; I feel like I’m locked in a prison that I can’t get away from. My father is an alcoholic, my mom is a gambler. I really do have a dysfunctional family. I hate that I’m not pretty enough for enough, I don’t feel sexy or beautiful anymore. I feel so tired and worthless. I have no friends, just a boyfriend, but for some reason, it isn’t enough. Nothing is ever good enough, my expectations for my world and I are too high. I hate being in my stupid bubble, I so damn shy. I don’t go to party like the rest of the people, I don’t get to club, or drink, or stay out late. I have work, then school, then work, then school. I’m so tired. I hate living where I live at. I wish I could just disappear. I am never good enough for myself or others. I hate that my only friend is my boyfriend. I am so lonely.

I know what it’s like to be alone. I know what it’s life when you have no one to turn to. I know what it’s like to have nothing in your life. I know what it’s like to be unloved and unappreciated. Everything is falling and I don’t know if I’ll ever catch it again. I feel like I can’t breathe. Someone, anyone please help me. I need to be loved.

I’m just so sad. I have no friends. Life has changed so much. I don’t have anyone to talk to except my boyfriend. I just wanna die and sleep forever. Everything is happening so fast, sometimes I think life would be better without me. I was a mistake and nobody cares about me. Please god, just let me be at peace.

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I know nobody will ever see these posts but I can’t help but feel so lonely. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough, I actually feel like I’m never good enough. I hate my family. My mother is always asking me for money, and my dad always drink. My sister has a family of her own, they’re always so proud of her and I live with my nephew, so everyone babies him. I don’t feel appreciated, sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend thinks I’m so special. I’m nothing. My work plays favorites, and I feel like they I’m not good enough for them. I couldn’t get that job on my own, without my boyfriend, but I feel like I didn’t achieve it on my own. I’m not that pretty enough, I’m not skinny enough. I’m lonely, my friends don’t want to hang out with me anymore. I can’t drive, I want a place of my own. Sometimes I don’t know why God wanted me to be alive rather than my brother. He was suppose to be alive, he was suppose to be here, not me. I was a mistake. My parents wanted to have me, they wanted a boy so bad. I try so hard, so people can see something in me, but I’m nothing.